Doctor Maslow

“Doctor Maslow,” says Felix. “I have a theory about humans.”

“Go on,” says Maslow.

“My theory is that humans believe they are showing off hunting prowess when they carry baggies filled with dog feces behind their pet. They seem to me quite conceited as they follow their dog with that bag swinging from their fist. Is it not quite like when we carry a rodent that we have cornered and captured?”

“The first rule in understanding human behavior,” says Maslow, “is to never project cat characteristics onto them. To do this would be felinepomorphism, and one will almost always be wrong about human motives or emotions if assigning cat-emotions to humans. This swagger you observe may not be arrogance at all, good Felix. Perhaps it is simply a low level of self-awareness, or the human being accepting their location in the animal kingdom.”

“Why then do they seem so full of themselves, Doctor?” Felix asks.

“Guard your assumptions, my brother. And do not assign motive from your perspective. The world of the lower creatures does not reflect those of the higher species. In fact, while humans likely do possess some emotion, they are mostly acting out of primal instinct and not complex thought.”

“I see,” says Felix. “And what examples have you of this?”

“The particular humans who occupy my territory,” says Maslow, “make virtually no attempt to climb onto their tables and furniture. They are content to remain on the lower levels. If we were to adopt a felinepomorphic view, we might be tempted to assume these humans are sick or depressed. The truth is that they simply lack any form of vigilance. They have no interest in keeping watch over their space from an elevated perspective. It is quite likely that their tendency to erect long cloths over their windows are for the higher creatures to climb up and take this responsibility on for them.”

“Then, they are lazy.” Says Felix.

“Again, my brother,” says Maslow. “Take care not to project how you might feel were you to remain at the lower levels. Being simple is not the same as being lazy.

“You will, for instance, observe that humans do not mark their territory. They generally mark just one spot in their habitat, and this they do mounted on a chair situated over moving water. As a result, it leaves no smell to indicate their command over even that small territory.”

“I have indeed observed this trait,” says Felix. “Does this not prove a serious carelessness about their surroundings?”

“Understand,” says Maslow, “Humans are rootless creatures, roaming about without connection to the places they occupy. Instead of interpreting this as carelessness, interpret this trait as a detachment from the space they occupy. Naivety can be a gift, my good Felix, and we must not judge them too harshly on this account.”

“But, Doctor Maslow, are they not some of the most unhygienic creatures you’ve observed. Virtually no grooming activity with their ample tongues.”

“Perhaps there is something to your assessment here,” says Maslow. “However, pairs of humans can be observed grooming one another, though only on their mouths. Still, we must take note of their genetic make up. Their thin coats and smooth tongues may be nature’s way of telling us that grooming humans is the responsibility of higher life forms. Do your best to care for their hygiene as you are able and when they allow you to do so.”

“A gracious perspective, Doctor.” Says Felix. “And what do you make of their vocalizaitons? Do they have any meaning?”

“Perhaps,” says Maslow, “but only to each other. Humans are extremely limited in communication. So far as I can discern they have no telepathic ability whatsoever. This is a trait only in the higher creatures. Humans, like birds, communicate almost exclusively by yammering at each other with their mouths.”

“Which, may be why pairs of humans groom one another’s mouths.” Replies Felix.

“Precisely,” says Maslow. “I recommend imitating their vocalizations as best you can in an effort to communicate, though I suspect it will be to no avail. Still, I have noticed that they respond to this.”

“And what of their sleep patterns, Doctor. Surely a sign of laziness.”

“Humans are diurnal – spending the best and coolest hours of the day sleeping. Again we mustn’t interpret this as laziness. Rather, it is another sign of their basic ignorance of danger, my friend. I have tried training the humans in my territory toward greater vigilance by jumping upon them while they sleep, or by gently tapping their faces to call them to alertness. These efforts have failed. They are hard-wired for inactivity at night.”

“Is it not, then, a miracle of evolution that they have not gone extinct?” Asks Felix.

“No, my friend.” Maslow answers. “Remember, higher, nocturnal life forms are guarding their surroundings during the very hours they are dormant.”

“But” says Felix, with a slight lift of the tail, “even in the daytime they are ill-prepared for self-defense. I have witnessed that they not only neglect to sharpen their nails, but they actually trim the ends off of their extremities. Not only on themselves, but shockingly, on their young as well!”

“Careful, Felix. Remember, the brain to body mass ratio of humans is identical to the mouse. While they may be lacking in alertness and are hapless creatures, they have some protection due to their size and their opposable digits. It is the vigilance of the higher beings around them that allows this evolutionary laxity.”

“Then how, good doctor, are we to treat humans when they lack so many basic sensibilities?”

“Receive them for what they are, Felix. Simple creatures with very low self-actualization. We are the beings who are best programmed to protect them – whether by Divine design or evolutionary development. Take up your responsibility, my brother! Mark territory for them, perch high up above them as best you can to see any threat and continue to sharpen your nails on the objects which they have set out for this purpose. Humans are unconsciously entrusting their protection to us.”

“I thank you, Doctor Maslow,” Felix replies. “You take a most humble and generous posture toward the lower creatures.”

“Indubitably.” Maslow responds. “As well should you.”